Souls in Dance

Chapter 34

The next few days were a whirlwind of emotions. I typed and retyped the email I was about to send to Max, each word carefully selected, each sentence reflecting the inner turmoil I was experiencing. 

"Dear Max," I began, my fingers hovering over the keyboard as I tried to pour my feelings into words. "Firstly, I hope this email finds you well. I trust that you are progressing steadily in your recovery and that being home has brought the comfort and solace you sought. I imagine your mother is ecstatic to have you back, and I hope your return has brought happiness back into your home. I have been waiting patiently, hoping for your speedy recovery, and it's comforting to know that you're getting better each day.

As I pen this email, I am filled with emotions. There are some things I have held back — thoughts and feelings I've kept hidden in a corner of my heart. But now, I feel it's time I shared them with you. However, before I proceed, I want you to understand that this is not meant to burden you or add to your worries. Instead, I see this as a necessary step to move forward and turn a new leaf.

Max, since we've met, my life has taken a turn I could never have anticipated. I've silently witnessed your journey, feeling your pain, sharing your struggles, and celebrating your victories. Throughout it all, I've been deeply in love with you. It would be hypocritical of me to hide this truth solely for the sake of convention. As I've mentioned before, I've asked you not to share your lack of feelings with me until I am ready to handle it. However, I must admit that I will never truly be prepared for such news.

This confession isn't intended to change the dynamics between us. I do not expect anything from you. I needed to express my feelings to find closure and end this chapter of my life. I hope you understand, Max.

The human body experiences a series of chemical reactions when in love. The cocktail of hormones such as oxytocin, dopamine, and adrenaline that the body releases creates the euphoria we often associate with love. I have written extensively about this in my notebook, outlining the intricate process of these hormones and their impact on our mood, behavior, and even physical health. With this understanding, it is not entirely impossible to conceive the idea of a drug that could enhance or lessen the state of "being in love." If developed and prescribed appropriately, such a drug could replicate or enhance the natural hormone release, leading to an amplified state of love. While the idea may seem far-fetched, advancements in medical science and technology make it plausible.

The loss of love, often compared to intense grief or suffering, can be mitigated through similar pharmacological advancements. The heartache and distress that follow a breakup or loss could theoretically be alleviated by manipulating the same hormonal pathways that induce the state of love. This, too, is no longer a secret in the scientific community.

However, an unavoidable question arises: if the potential for such a drug exists, why hasn't it been developed and marketed yet? Now, as I experience the journey of love, I finally comprehend the reasons behind it.

From personal experience, I've learned that love can't truly blossom when you're vulnerable. Constantly denying such emotional susceptibility can inadvertently obstruct your conscious ability to recognize and embrace potential love. When weak, we focus more on self-protection and guarding our hearts against potential heartbreak. This defensive state of mind can cloud our judgment, making it difficult to perceive genuine love even when it presents itself. It's as if we've built a wall around our hearts that keeps out the pain and prevents attachment from finding its way in. Instead of surrendering to the natural flow of feelings, we end up resisting, and in doing so, we might miss the chance to experience the beautiful journey of love.

This inherent fear of losing oneself poses an obstacle to falling in love. The human brain is naturally wired to avoid pain and seek pleasure. Therefore, when faced with the prospect of heartbreak, it instinctively resists, causing us to shy away from love. This fear-based response triggers the brain's defense mechanisms, leading to emotional withdrawal, denial of feelings, or even complete avoidance of any situation that could lead to love. As a result, the brain's capacity to experience love gets clouded by the overpowering fear of loss. This inhibition prevents us from opening our hearts to new experiences and deprives us of the beautiful journey of being in love.

But in walling our minds and hearts with this fear, we inhibit our ability to adapt to new situations and experiences. It's comparable to excessively protecting oneself against catching a cold without realizing that the battle against a virus could potentially fortify our immune system and elevate its strength and adaptability. Just as exposure to pathogens can trigger the body's natural defenses and enhance our resilience, so can emotional challenges and disappointments strengthen our emotional intelligence and capacity for love. We must understand, therefore, that avoiding the potential pain and turmoil associated with love might shield us temporarily. Still, it also deprives us of the essential experiences that enhance our emotional strength and flexibility. Like a well-orchestrated dance, love is as much about the falls and missteps as the flawless execution and perfect rhythm.

People often erect barriers against love, seeing it as a distraction or a hindrance to their ambitions. They prioritize career progression, personal development, and the pursuit of individual goals, effectively sidelining love as an unwelcome interruption. They argue that engaging in a relationship or starting a family would consume their "precious time," detracting from their ability to focus on their career and personal growth. This perception is prevalent, although love, in its various forms, can offer invaluable lessons about empathy, sacrifice, and resilience, translating into multiple aspects of our personal and professional lives.

Having embarked on the scientific exploration of love, I've often asked myself the same question: where does it all begin? I've encountered endless faces, each with unique tales – from those at the fringes of society to the 'princes' in their castles. Yet, the arrow of love has never struck me.

Why you, why now?

After years of introspecting and exploring the realms of love, I've reached a point where the fear of love no longer holds me captive. Perhaps it's the wisdom that age brings or the realization that fear only inhibits the potential for joy and growth. I've learned that love is a journey, a process of self-discovery and understanding - it's more than a destination. It's about embracing vulnerability, accepting the risk of heartache, and choosing to love. Every interaction, every heartbreak, every moment of love or loss merely adds to the rich tapestry of life. Now that I understand that the fear of love is not about the fear of pain or loss but of facing our true selves.

In the next stage of this journey, I find myself grappling with the loss of love. What will this chapter bring to my life? Even though I've tried to avoid this, I can't keep running forever. Much like love itself, the loss of love is a part of life's grand tapestry, woven with threads of joy, heartache, discovery, and growth. It's a juncture where the path diverges, leading us into the uncharted territories of our emotions and forcing us to confront our fears and vulnerabilities. This loss, however poignant, must be embraced as another stepping stone in our journey, an experience that will shape us, teach us, and, ultimately, enrich us. As I step into this new chapter, I realize that avoiding love's loss is not a solution but rather a denial of the beautiful complexity of life and love. It is time to face this chapter head-on, embrace the lessons it brings, and continue my journey through the expansive landscape of love.

As I embark on this next part of my journey, I am conscious that there is no quick fix to heal from the loss of love. It is not about following a ten-step program or resorting to substance use. The healing process is deeply personal and requires patience, understanding, and self-care. It's about allowing oneself the space and time to grieve, to feel the pain, and to work through it slowly. It's about relying on the strength within and using it as a catalyst for growth and transformation. The journey to recovery may be long and arduous, filled with moments of despair and loneliness. Still, it is also an opportunity to rediscover ourselves, reconnect with our purpose, and learn invaluable life lessons. Drugs or other forms of escape can only temporarily numb the pain but cannot provide a lasting solution. As we navigate through the maze of loss and heartbreak, we must remember that every cloud has a silver lining and that we emerge stronger and wiser from each experience.

As in life's journey, a broken bone can't be healed simply by numbing the pain. It requires something far more radical. Analogous, healing from the loss of love cannot be expedited or circumvented by momentarily dulling the pain through substances or distractions. This temporary alleviation does not address the root cause, much like painkillers that ease the discomfort of a broken bone but do not mend the fracture itself. The proper remedy lies in facing the pain head-on, embracing it as part of the healing journey. Only then can we fully grow, learn, and ultimately heal.

And so, I consciously decided to embrace this chapter of my journey. As I step into the storm of cortisol, the so-called "stress hormone," I acknowledge the possibility of discomfort and unease. Yet, I am aware that it is within this very storm that personal growth is fostered. In this tumultuous wave of emotions, I seek to survive and thrive. I aim to find my strength in vulnerability and my resilience in adversity. Within this storm, I will discover new aspects of myself, forging a deeper understanding of my emotional landscape. This journey may be marked with trials, but I am ready to weather the storm, for it is through storms that we learn to appreciate the calm.

Embracing this truth, I pledge not to seek refuge in temporary palliative measures. I will not reach out for the deceptive comfort of medications merely to dull the edge of my pain or bury the raw emotions surfacing during this phase of my life. Instead, I understand that my healing will only come through confronting and accepting the full depth of my suffering. This path will undoubtedly be difficult and may even seem unbearable, but I recognize this as an integral part of my journey. By weathering this storm, I will emerge stronger, more resilient, and more attuned to my inner self. This is my commitment to myself, my pledge to holistic healing.

With love,

Margaret"